The Only Review You’ll Need Of Blade: The Series (Part 3 of 5)

April 3, 2021 by No Comments

It is time for a brief summary. Blade, like all good crime fighters, has finally found a crime to fight. He has set up his crime-fighting headquarters in the basement of a seedy old store that could double as a set for the movie “Doom.” His real estate agent now takes care of “Bladecave” while Blade is away. He has a seedy car called the Blademobile and he dresses up as a colorblind mime. He’s also epileptic, has mild ADHD, wears sunglasses at night, and is otherwise too cool for everyone. I have it? Let’s get on with the show.

Blade finally finds his bad boy by seeing him on the cover of a magazine. Now I really have to wonder how microcephalic you have to resort to finding your villains that way. That “Blade Juice” must degrade his mental function to the fourth grade level but without the spelling requirements. Did Batman stand still and wait for Riddler to finish painting his new lair with giant green question marks? Hell no! The bats just waited until some jerk bought 50 gallons of green paint at the local Home Depot and then hit them in the parking lot with a pair of brass fists. For a laugh, Bats would let Alfred hit him too. Case closed. Blade is apparently a bit boring. I should have talked to that tattoo artist instead of stabbing him because it looks like his tribe is melting away in the hot stage lights. Spike TV shouldn’t have a big makeup budget.

While Blade remains perplexed by the jumble in the middle of Highlights, the remaining member of the former Wonder Twins grabs the file he took from the cops and begins to follow the clues found inside the stolen folder.

Take a good look at another tattoo like the one his brother had and try teasing them for answers. Since he doesn’t have super cool sunglasses, he miserably fails to be rude and returns to his brother’s apartment to see how to sell some of his stuff on EBay.

The first thing you see is your PowerBook. “Score!” he yells as he realizes that he just got his twenty dollars back with great interest. He drops in to see what his brother had on the hard drive. In addition to copies of the Star Wars Kid videos and a full .PDF of the dysfunctional family circus, find a shortcut to a website run by the guy who played the stuffy surgeon in MASH. I think the same guy played Meathead on All In The Family. Anyway, this guy has a link on his website that looked like the Sharpie tattoo his brother had, so he decides to find out where this guy lives.

You decide to use the only logical way to find out where an ordinary person lives on the internet and use Google. Google, of course, identified the person in .008 milliseconds, displayed a map and a list of the guy’s favorite places ranked in the order of their possible appearance based on time of day. The stylish AdWords ads for MASH and All In The Family were a crowning touch. Then he Google the brilliant idea for his brother’s tattoo. By typing in the magic keyword “tattoo”, you find exactly what you want on the first screen. I don’t know how Google does it, but I always suspected they have brain banks floating in bubbling liquid instead of servers.

Armed with this information, she grabs the EBay laptop along with a jar of white crap that looks like chunks from a ’70s chemistry set mixed with ground Cheerios and takes off.

Blade, who has stopped trying to find his criminals, is now only following this girl as she seems to be able to figure things out much faster than him. Otherwise, you will have to wait until the bad guy publishes his plans in the newspaper before you can find him. Anyway, it stops in this direction which is exactly where Google said it would be. The website guy is home because Google predicted that too. Maybe Blade just needs a cell phone that can surf the internet to fight crime?

That probably wouldn’t be as cool as calling your real estate agent and having him check the newsstands. To be fair, Blade couldn’t hang out with Batman and Robin all those years like the Wonder Twins did. You sure didn’t learn anything from being with Aquaman other than the fact that fish can swim in the deep, but they’re only slightly smarter than a claw hammer.

Turns out the guy is really excited about celebrating National Pizza Month because he’s hanging garlic and pepperoni all over the house. It must also be part pervert since he practically makes her undress before letting her into the house. Any normal middle-aged lonely fool would have waited until the random mystery babe was inside the house, but not a middle-aged lonely Spike TV fool, especially one with a website. At least he’s not in his grandmother’s basement. She asks him about the tattoo and he tells her that it is from Cthulhu’s house or something. He also gives you the creepy mandatory warning about going too deep or something.

She thinks that if she can fight giant space gorillas and man-eating jellyfish in the old days, she can handle a couple of common bad guys and ignore their warning. He also tells her that the jar of ground Cheerios is a kind of powder that gives people super powers for a while, but gives you such a craving that you will end up eating your own fingers. He shows her his half-eaten fingers to show that he used to be a badass in the past and also to establish his credibility on the street. Then he shows you his myriad of “good things.” She freaks out and decides to leave. He yells “wait” all pathetic like the blind hermit in Frankenstein but she ducks anyway.

Blade, now back in the Blademobile, stops in the direction to watch her go and decides to follow her. Seeing no tattoo shops break down, Blade continues to follow him. I just hope ADHD doesn’t kick in and waste more precious time on your crime-fighting crusade.

On the way home, Wonder Twin Jayna is rear-ended at a stoplight. When you go out to exchange insurance information, someone gets in your SUV and steals it. I guess he didn’t learn as much from Batman as we expected. He also carries a weapon now that can’t transform into a giant baseball bat or nuclear powered avocado like old times. Now she’s alone on a nasty street corner, like a modern-day Little Red Riding Hood, except she doesn’t have a picnic basket and Grandma’s house is now a crack den. Deciding that the best defense is something offensive, he ducks into the now deserted crack house, pulls out his pistol, and reenacts Walker’s finest moments: Texas Ranger.

As he moves up and down the same six feet of hallway (Spike should really use extension cords for his cameras), he uses another tried and true detective technique: he starts yelling “Hello” like he’s in the back of the room. Grand Canyon. Right now, even Helen Keller knows she’s in the building, but our Jayna clings to her gun and continues to sneak up that very stretch of hallway thanks to the magic of the stage and the chemicals from the Spike TV production team.

In the background, we see a mysterious figure sneak up behind her and enter another room reminiscent of the style commonly found in old Scooby Doo chase scenes. Especially the ones where they had Z-list guest stars like Don Knotts or Vincent Price. The sneaky figure gets bored waiting for her to find him, so he makes a bit of noise. Running stealthily, she enters the only room with poor lighting and waits until a crafty boy reveals himself to be Sir Mix-A-Lot as he takes the gun out of her hands and begins to taunt her. He mentions her brother and then she grabs his gun and shoots him in the nose 4 times. I can’t say his aim was that good, but I think it made Sir Mix-A-Lot notice.

Sir Mix-A-Lot throws a tantrum having the family jewels scrambled by a Ruger when his friend comes out and starts growling at him. Maybe that’s the supervillain code or something, but it seems totally silly. Of course, it’s been 15 years since Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 15 minutes of fame expired and that kind of street cred just can’t attract the kind of gang you need to hang out in the neighborhood.

Do you remember Blade? He’s been hanging out on the Blademobile drinking his Blade Juice and staring all this time. Now that you’ve heard some caps popping, you’re ready for something you do understand: some All American roundhouse kicks. Kicking the door all cool and stuff, it reaches the top of Jayna’s head and shows her what a real hunk of shooting iron can do when firing one of her grade tracer super-explosive fragmenting detonator spiral rounds. Military experimental specially made in Sir Mix Lot that makes for a lot of cat litter. That’s the kind of gun that says “look at me” in capital letters.

His supply of cheap beer and Slim Jims disappeared, the other guy manages to run towards Blade while admiring his Blade Gun and showing him some Chuck Norris inspired spinning kicks. Blade rolls on the ground to put on a good show as Wonder twin Jayna unleashes the rest of her rounds in double the stunts. It really isn’t his day as the baddie is wearing a Kevlar vest. He almost ignores the whole thing and smiles like an idiot who discovered a chocolate pudding mine in his closet.

Blade pulls out a small blade and, flashing Jayna a sheepish smile, makes this fantastic rocket-assisted jump into the baddie to end the match. Unfortunately for Blade, Blade falls a bit short. I bet that never happened before. While he’s busy trying to get a small blade out of the ground, the baddie gets up and kicks Blade again. This gives Jayna time to reload and this time she’s so honked that she doesn’t seem to care if she shoots the bad guy, Blade, or the poor cameraman who, I’m told, is out of the hospital and doing fine.

After more than 30 rounds, Jayna realizes that the bad boy is wearing a vest and shoots him in the knee. Of course, the bad boy falls to the ground and we have the general impression that the bad boy finds this uncomfortable. We’re not really sure if this is the “oh, I got shot in the knee” uncomfortable “, oh, I just fell on the concrete and stuck the car keys in my groin” uncomfortable or “I haven’t got yet” I saved a lot on my car insurance “uncomfortable”. Either way, it looks pretty awkward as well as awkward.

In danger of being overshadowed on his own show, Blade pulls out his Blade Gun and unloads another one of those specially made experimental military grade tracer super-explosive fragmenting detonator spiral rounds on a bad guy that quickly turns into about 3 pounds of Tidy. Cat. That’s an efficient shot. Jayna finds Blade’s cool gun. Blade retrieves his sword and restores it to its correct location, tells Jayna to get out of town and then uses his Bladerope to disappear on top of her. Blade better not send his only source of clues to Greyhound station just yet, the party has just begun.

My side case from the cold sofa is running low. This show is turning out to be a two-case episode. 2 is the number of cases of beer it takes to stay interested enough to keep looking. See you in the next installment.

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